Sunday, April 16, 2006

Reconciliation

To look back at your past, without reaction, objectively; to acknowledge the past, its rights and its wrongs. To move on. Reconciliation is about conquering your past and winning your future. And I have gone through a period of reconciliation just as several others and nations have for their mistakes of the past. Reconciliation is usually associated with wrongs of the past or results of past actions that just did not translate right. However, just like you I have made mistakes in my past. Right from being over-judgemental to being consciously and sub-consciously wrong in my behaviour. I may elaborate my wrongs at a later time, I think this essay is about the process of reconciliation and not a trial of my actions.

The most recent process of reconciliation is what I will describe. It happens this month, two years ago. Strangely I have the same hairstyle as I did then – tonsured. It was a time when I was in love. In love with my work and quite apathetic to the opposite sex of having any relationships till I met one girl that had some thing unique about her.  I just had to know her. The events of that period unfolded, again strangely, on a stormy, rainy, full moon night. We were in the entertainment district of Deep Ellum. I was riding with this girl and her best friend. Things went wrong that night like I cannot imagine even today. It was more difficult for me because the layout of the city was still a mystery at the time to me and so I had only my vague mental map and time scale to work with. To make things worse she would not meet me ever again. An important part of reconciliation is to confront the past to make it a non-event, and this was not possible as long as I could not meet her or visit that neighborhood. But two years down I moved into a loft a block away from the same district. The first month was an ordeal. Walking the streets only brought back memories, flashes of the events; I have bad memory - I remember too much and details. I still haven’t located the parking lot where the events unfolded but I have come to terms with the place. I know the place like the back of my hand and I can walk confident of myself through the district, with neither remorse nor hate nor elation of my past. It happened, it was just that, one event in my life among many more that I have to reconcile with.

Reconciliation: reestablishing of cordial relations; getting two things to correspond.

Last night I reconciled with another person, it would be nice to reconcile with her too.

Reconciliation certainly gives a psychological boost, an ability to secure the past, and to secure the future from/and the past.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

piercings

ive had this on my mind for some time - to get my left nipple pierced. i dont know why the left nipple and i dont know why not the right one or both. but the nipple coz thats sexy. it stands out of my Ts anyway, piercing may only look cooler than my nipple already is.but im not into piercings except the ones on the girls. nose rings are cute when they are so small that they make u look longer and closer and show you a pretty nose. not every girl looks good with or has the right kind of multiple piercings on ears. the best i have seen was this chic with 5 on one ear and 4 on the other. very very elegant. the belly ring is sezy too. eye and brow rings gross me out, as much as cow-nose rings. but my nipple still has to be pierced some time - i dont know when.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

more about blogging

on the same point of blogging and time. why do people spend so much time online on these sites. i already have claimed in my previous entry that i have too much time. correlated with that is if the fact i have few friends. well some of my very good friends are over 5000 miles away with very few within a 1000 mile radius. since i live in dallas and dallas is a city where u sleep, eat and relax and even work when u are not driving and buring gasoline and running up credit. i never am at a place often enough to make connections with people to develop into freinds. so i have alot of aquaintances in dallas. hah! but each of these aquaintances belongs to a different circle of friends and so i am relegated to being their aquinatance. it stops there. so i spend some time at the coffee shop near my place, where some faces have become familiar (havent seen those faces in ages), at teh gym, at work (every one at work is waaay older in mind spirit, body and age), and i try to network the few friends i have made (but since they are poor they dont hang out, or do stuff that excites me). so this is my circumstance and it takes time and effort to develop friends. but c'mon you cant be another miserable soul like me. you have to be one of those i classed above with the trillions of friends that gives me the basic courtesy of a smile.

a clarification - i am very poor at the 'effort' part of making friends. and being poor doesn't help either. i forget to wish people on their b'day (i do remember the day before, and i forget my age always). i come to this online thingy because i like to write, and have done it since before the word blog was coined, i love to tell stories and my perspective, i love to travel alone and sit alone and watch people and animals and... and spend time vaporising clouds and scheming on what i must stir up in which part of the world. friends in the present have no place in this grand scheme of things except for a few that are over 5000 miles from here who used to encourage my eccentricity and make me detail my plans and dreams for this world.

here is what i can use if u are trying to be polite or nice or sympathetic to me - dont be. if you drink - i am in need of atleast one drinking buddy (havent got shit faced in 2 years :( ); if you do stuff that we shud not talk about, i might do the green stuff; if u neither drink, nor smoke do stuff that i need a partner on and then bother to get in touch. i dont like smothering. and i dont know how i will deal with this but responding to my entries could discourage me from wirting further.

blogs

there is a profusion of blogs especially the kind for networking and ... makes me wonder do these people have so much time. because they have alot of detail on these blogs. right from teh screeen color and image and the various kinds of doodling. i lost it the ability to write or blog a couple years ago and am only very slowly getting into chronicling my life, insights and perspectives intot the goings on in the world. a world that is centered around me. (pls. its a secret that i control the world. dont let that slip out. the benefits of controling the human is immense). anyway, the dificulty of maintaing these different site is their profusion and i have friends on different services inviting me to become a member. so i have decided i will do my little bit of telling my stories. i have stories and i am bursting at the brim to tell them. but thepace at which i tell the stories is much much faster than my finger can type or eyes can read, so i may be a poor story writer. but i have decided that when i do write i will copy the same on to every one of my existing blogs/journals. my present blogs are on xanga, myspace, facebook, h2g2, and blogspot. i started writing h2g2 about 4 or 6 years ago and lost the password and even the link till i got an email regarding one of my blogs. i am going to develop that blog as some thing between intellectual philosphying and journaling. i have a few articles i want to write that may go on that site and either be published in future in some media or as a book. the blogspot began when i migrated my web journal. it was also after the meltdown that led me to stop writing (it was a girl that melted me, and it toook a long while to get in form again). anyway, since i have the blog spot entries on my hard disk and i am bored of what i have written there, i will probably delete its contents and let it reflect this blog. xanga and myspace i started only a few days ago i think, because i have nothing better or more exciting to do. and yes i do have time, alot of it, but only for one real journal.

you wont find too many people wiht my name or user name on the web. so go search me out.