Fear

14october 2005

I am tired

I am lost

I am drifting

No, I am not even drifting

The wind is just not blowing

I am bobbing about, out at sea

I am scared

I am alone

The biggest fear I have is the fear of the unknown

And that is the fear of every individual

I am not afraid of the dark or creatures big or small

I don’t think I am afraid of death

Or may be even pain

But I am scared of tomorrow

Tomorrow is my fear, for I do not know what I will be, where I will be

How I will be

Or who I will be

I am scared

With out a ground below me

I will fall

I will have no one to fall upon for support

But will have others that need my support

I have to find my ground

Some where high where the tide will not reach

Where the ground will stand the test of times

If I know the path, I can choose

I will choose

With no wind blowing and in the darkness of the moment

I am lost and

I am scared

This might be the first time I am doing any writing in a long while

It was a matter of time and the lack of the same.

The few lines wrote above and I feel a weight off my chest

A liberation

We all need people and do I have any?

Or is it that - have i made any ?

I have only myself to blame for my failures

For, to fail is always because of one’s mistakes

Because even a compromiser can be compromised to make success possible

To succeed is without doubt the work of many supporting actors

I am till scared

I don’t know why else I should fear besides the stasis of the moment

We are responsible for every action of ours and its consequences

That means I can place myself accurately in tomorrows world if I play the right cards and deal with the consequences rightly

But I cannot see the cards I have been dealt

I have goals and ambitions

Some are idealistic

Some are too high

Some are means to an end

Should I pursue any of these or

Should I settle for the easy path

Will the easy path lead me to success

The ultimate goal that I want

What is the ultimate goal that I want

What is it

In twenty years when I approach fifty

If I can sit at night gazing upon the stars,

Counting frog calls

Listen to the wind whistle through the leaves and

The rustling of the dried fallen leaves

Stroking her hair and sitting snugly by a fire

Humming a silent tune

If I can be sure that my near and dear are near and dear and alive

That they are healthy and wealthy enough

That they may join me if they were passing by

That we have no greater goals in life than to just be happy together and to be there for each other

If the daily chores meant that we did some thing simple but something noble

Something that meant more than it could value

Something that made us better people

If at the end of that day and the next

That I could wake with a smile, hearing the birds calling

And watching the sun rise and

Smile and cheer on the faces of all near and dear

I think I will be happy enough to not want more

Am I crazy

Crazy to have these goals

Goals far beyond my reach

Goals that are idealistic on the global but mature on the local

Am I crazy that I talk to myself

And write this way

Am I crazy

Am I

I am

I am scared

Scared of loneliness

That is the other fear I have

The tomorrow is fearful because I know not that I will have a soul mate or not

That I will have to write and talk to myself to clear my mind

That I will have no one to ask that ‘am I crazy’ who will make no judgment of me

I see All around me as judgmental

I fear not their opinion

But may be I do

Is it the fear of their opinion that drives my goals

Or that makes my goals more unreachable

That keeps me from developing relationships

That keeps me alone

Is it that I am crazy

Am I

Am I

Am I

I am alone

I am scared

I am afloat and drifting

I am lost

I am crazy

I am scared

I am alone

Fear

The mother of all failures

The failure of all successes

Conquer your fear and you can be, will be your king or queen